i have anxiety and i love coffee. (a preview of a new kind of travel blog)

Content warning: this post contains mentions of anxiety, knife crime, body dysmorphia, fatphobia & diet culture.

A bit heavy of a start, I'll admit.

I've been dealing with anxiety for a long time. I'd have even used the phrase "for as long as I can remember" if UCAS applications hadn't scared me into never using that phrase again.

a pretty beautiful photo of leeds that doesn't really illustrate my point

Despite also being a theatre kid (I know, I'll pay for my crimes soon enough), panic attacks happened fairly often for me and the anxiety definitely got worse as I got older as my problems got bigger and more mature. All of this came to a head when I moved to Leeds after graduating from Uni of York (Goodricke college, in case you were interested). I figured out quickly Leeds wasn't for me (although it didn't help someone was stabbed 2 minutes from my house on my 5th day there so y'know).

Whether it truly was as rough as I perceived it or I was being a wuss, Leeds at the end of the day wasn't for me and it only made my anxiety worse. So much so I developed a borderline fear of the outside, only leaving the house for work (of which I lived a 4 minute walk away from) and even so needed my partner or a co-worker to accompany me. So I moved back to York, and now live with the entire city on my doorstep.

And yet, I feel like I'm not taking advantage of it.

Whilst I am capable of leaving the house, I still find myself rotting inside most days with a significant fear something may go wrong if I enter the outside world. I'm in a safer city, but that significant anxiety has followed me, hanging over me like a cloud of insecurity with storms of panic for good measure. Whilst I'm less scared of getting stabbed (only lightly so), I feel my anxiety of leaving the house now revolves around my body image and the fear of being perceived. On a side note, please don't take this as fatphobia whatsoever, I am of the belief that every body deserves respect and you have every right to feel beautiful and, more importantly, comfortable in the body you're in but I'd be lying if I said diet culture didn't do a number on me and I'd noticed a definite change in how people interact with me following a significant weight gain.

So, what's all this got to do with coffee and travel blogging?

i am not sponsored by brew york but i wouldn't say no to an endorsement.

York is known for a lot: a city of ghosts, a city of history, a city of the worst time to try and travel through when the Christmas markets are on (genuinely it's awful). But also, it's a city of independants! The independant culture in York is thriving a lot more than other cities and that's more than apparent in the food & beverage industry. Some of the most popular eating and drinking destinations are completely independant with some only having locations in York whilst others expanding beyond to other cities.

Again, anxiety and coffee, I hear you ask?

I'm going to challenge myself. Nearly everyday (working around uni and work, of course) I want to visit each coffee shop/cafe/coffee-based-location and review it right here on this blog! Not only will I be challenging my anxiety and forcing myself to leave the house, I might just find a new favourite.

one of the many dairy free & vegan treats i'll be showing off

From tiny independants you may have never heard of, to big names like Waterstones, I'll be sampling coffee and treats, analysing how it is as a reading/studying environment, and giving honest opinions. That sounds like a sandwich of fun, I don't know about you guys.

So, why should you care?

I mean, you don't have to care.

But if, like me, you love an oat milk coffee, have a tendency for anxiety and want to know if somewhere is worth your time and money (that'll be an important factor too) and you live in York (or even if you plan on visiting!), this might give you a bit of inspiration, food-envy, and might even calm some anxiety.